Rob Zombie is not a director. I don't care what anyone says, I don't care how he's listed in the credits, I don't care how many movies he makes. He is not now, has never been, nor will ever be a director.
I know directors. I'm friends with directors. Real direct-ors possess singular visions which they bring to the screen with clarity of purpose, so that their message resounds throughout a theater to find a harmonic resonance with the audience. Rob Zombie's new remake of John Carpenter's classic film Halloween--the movie which impacted so many other filmmakers and subsequently for better or worse, was directly responsible for the births of Jason and Freddy Krueger--in spite of several homages to the original placed within it, is not so much a tribute in any way, as it is a direct insult to Carpenter's vision. Zombie's Halloween shoves the viewer into a seat, ties them up, then proceeds to bludgeon them over the head for nearly two hours. Where-as the original by Carpenter contained tense moments which led to genuine chills, Zombie's flick is loud and obnoxious, flailing its arms about and yelling to make its presence known the entire time its reels unspool.
The word "subtlety" must surely be missing from Zom-bie's personal dictionary, because there isn't one sublime instant to be found anywhere in this slaughter shack.
For those not in the know, or who may actually not have been aware before now that there was an original, here's the lowdown: In John Carpenter's classic, an eight year-old boy named Michael Myers murders his older sister on Halloween night, no motive given, no reason ever found. He was institutionalized and his psychiatrist, Dr. Samuel Loomis, spends several years attempting to pierce the veil of Michael's psyche...then even more attempting to keep him locked up, once he realizes that true evil lay behind the child's eyes. Years pass, and as an adult, Michael breaks free and heads back to Haddonfield, Illinois, to pick up where he left off and kill some more. Loomis, fully aware the town is unprepared for what's coming, heads off in pursuit and a final showdown with the living embodiment of absolute evil.
Zombie's film follows along some of these lines, but deviates severely at key junctures, with no other purpose but to put his stamp on the property. And what a broken signature it is: whereas in Carpenter's film, no explanation for the murder of Michael's sister was ever given--the fact that Michael was simply evil was enough--Zombie tries to find sympathy for this devil, by making him the scion of a poor trash family. An alcoholic, abusive stepfather(William Forsythe), a stripper mother(Rob's wife, Sheri Moon Zombie...classy.) and a skanky sister(Hanna Hall) who's completely aware stepdaddy lusts after her, but either doesn't care or finds it a turn-on. Stepdad and the wife are constantly at each others' throats and skank-sis picks on Michael, just as the bullies naturally do at school. The only single joy Michael has in his miserable life is his infant sister, the only living being(other than his mom) that has never done him any wrong, and whom he loves in return. Zombie might as well travel to each theater playing the film and yell through a megaphone "Is it any wonder this kid's so messed up, folks?"
One of the cool, creepy things about the original--the real Halloween--was that Michael Myers apparently had a solid, loving family. There was no reason for his evil, no need for Carpenter to lay things out in a row, take the audience by the hand and explain everything. The whole point of Halloween was not how evil comes to exist; only that it just does. Zombie, by contrast, plays seeing eye dog the entire length of the film; there is no attempt at guile, no desire to allow the audience to figure out anything, or even to have fun at just being scared.
It's not long, of course, before little Michael(Daeg Faerch) acts out his frustrations and takes out not only the school bully, but everyone in his family with the exception of beloved baby sis and his mom. Zombie's heavy-handed-ness immediately comes into play during the family mur-ders. When Michael kills his older sister, Zombie begins using the famous "Stalk" theme from the original. But in composer Tyler Bates' hands, it loses its subtle nature, the stings which creep up the spine are gone, and it becomes an almost pounding, methodical piece which holds no terror at all. Zombie's ineptness affects the rest of the cast as well, including the usually wonderful Malcolm McDowell, who plays Dr. Loomis like he's a hippy grandpop, rather than an obsessed psychologist determined to curb Myers' evil...even if he has to kill his own patient.
The murder of the Myers clan is almost unbelievably bloody, as are nearly all the murders throughout the picture. There is gratuitous cursing from all quarters--kids, adults, the elderly--even for an R-rated picture, along with many gratuitous breast shots, of course. I know, I'm always lamenting the fact that PG-13 horror doesn't work...it doesn't, and I will always defend that stance. But on the flipside, pushing the envelope on an R film until it's ready to bust open doesn't serve any purpose either unless you're just into the new breed of Saw-style filmmaking, which is to just make torture porn. Zombie obviously is; he revels in every shot, every frame of it. And being that a good majority of the poorly, often blurrily shot film tends to only clarify when someone is being killed, it's fair to say he probably gets off on it completely.
After years of being in custody and under Loomis' care, the day comes when Loomis tells Michael that he has to move on and begin seeing other patients. Michael doesn't take well to being jilted, and shortly afterward breaks free of his bonds and escapes after killing four armed guards and the only asylum attendant that was ever kind to him(Danny Trejo). Once again though, Zombie isn't content to have Michael simply be evil, as he should; the maniac attempts to show the attendant a type of mercy by simply drowning him rather than rending him into bloody pieces. If there is any one trait Michael Myers as a character should never possess, it is mercy.
As Michael heads back to hometown Haddonfield, we are introduced to high school students Laurie Strode(Scout Taylor-Compton) and her friends Annie(Danielle Harris) and uber-bitch Patty(Leslie Easterbrook). A note on each of the actresses: Danielle Harris is actually an alum of the John Carpenter era, having appeared as Myers' niece in Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers and Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers. Even as a child, Harris was amazingly accomplished. She has grown into a lovely young woman and is one of the best--and underutilized--parts of the movie. Easterbrook's character is impossibly annoying on every imaginable level, and from almost the moment she opened her mouth, I gleefully visualized her character's death. When it happened, it was the only time during the movie that I was genuinely happy. Unfortunately, much of the burden of this unwieldy piece of cinematic tripe is put on the shoulders of Scout Taylor-Compton, who delivers her dialogue as if she is having a hard time remembering it as she's saying it. She's so bad, she even has a hard time playing scared when Myers is chasing her with a knife. Harris did better as a child, and the lead role should have been given to her.
The original Halloween took its time, built up suspense, and delivered several faux shocks to great effect when the actual murders took place. Zombie's Halloween comes at you full throttle, throwing itself into the viewer's lap and announcing "Here I am!" right in your face. Once Michael makes it back to Haddonfield, the murders come in almost rapid succession and far too randomly to make any sense. Two teens are killed while making out on the shambled mess of the former Myers family bedroom in the run down house. For seemingly no reason whatsoever, Laurie Strode's parents are killed(only the father is briefly seen in the original, and the parents are presumed out for the night when Myers strikes). Harris' character is critcally injured by Myers, yet is inexplicably left alive by him. This was another logic sticking point, as the real Michael Myers would never leave any victim alive. If he ever laid a hand on a person, you can be certain they'd be dead before they realized what was happening.
Michael Myers was also an efficient, silent killer. As played by Tyler Mane, this incarnation of Myers is highly inept, at times having to throw characters around, rough them up a bit, before getting around to the final murder. Mane's Myers also grunts heavily at times when he's killing someone, as if he's really straining to do it. The real Myers never broke a sweat. Carpenter's original was also con-ceived as somehow becoming more than a mere human during his years of incarcaration to emerge as a force of nature which couldn't be slowed down or halted, no matter what. Carpenter's Myers was a truly supernatural being; able to blend in with the shadows, seeming to become one of them. He could hear someone whisper from over a dozen yards away. He had superhuman strength and the ability to sense and seek out his prey, no matter where they were hiding. This masked man seems to be only that... a slightly above average being who makes too much noise when he walks, doesn't blend into the darkness at all, and squares off with armed police officers without missing a beat, whereas the real Myers would avoid such confronta-tion if possible, so that he wouldn't get distracted in seeking out his prey.
There are numerous blunders within the film, both in style and storytelling. Even a first year film student knows that you don't obscure certain things through visual trickery, in order to convey a feeling of terror. If you want people to feel terror, you've got to show them something to terrify them. Would Freddy Krueger be any more terrifying if most of his actions were obscured with shaky cam while a narrator describes what's going on? Of course not--and in a reimagining of one of the most classic horror films of all time, the director needs to give the people visceral, meaningful horror instead of a series of shock cuts, story inconsistencies, bad edits and gore for gore's sake.
But Rob Zombie is not a director. He has no clue as to what goes on through his own lens, or how to put together a cohesive storyline. There are dangling plot threads, cliches aplenty, bad acting by the truckload, and the last third of the movie goes off on a tangent so far divergent from what was in the original Halloween, that Zombie should have put a disclaimer at the beginning of the last half, stating that other than superficial appearances, this movie shares no connection whatsoever to the source material.
The original Halloween was shot on a shoestring budg-et of $300,000 over the span of twenty-one days and made a massive return of $50 million. Hopefully as karmic balance, Zombie's version won't make anything even close to that when it bows, and if we're lucky, it will close out in under that span of time. No matter what your taste in terror, audiences certainly deserve better than what Rob Zombie has in store for them.
Official Archives of LanceReviews...
Evil has a destiny, all right...to totally suck.
CRAPOWEEN
Rob Zombie turns a classic film into standard torture porn
Pro wrestler and former Sabretooth Tyler Mane plays Michael Myers...an incarnation whose subtleties he gets almost totally wrong.
Malcolm McDowell plays Dr. Loomis. Unfortunately, he's not fit to wear Donald Pleasance's trenchcoat.
Shooting the whole load: Not content to leave anyone guessing for two seconds, Zombie reveals the connection between Michael and Laurie as soon as possible within the film.
Leslie Easterbrook, Danielle Harris and Scout Taylor-Compton play prey for Michael Myers. Before long, you'll be rooting for Myers to kill Easterbrook.
Michael finally kills Patty(Easterbrook). This was the only time I was actually glad, watching this movie. Thank you, Michael.
"Bad actress! Bad! Michael kill you now!"
Zombie's reimagining is virtually a step-by-step manual for how to ruin an American classic.
