It's hard to completely hate the new film Jumper. It's got some really cool visuals, action sequences and an interesting premise. The central problem is that it's an unfocused film, and stars Hayden Christensen(Factory Girl, Shattered Glass) in the lead role.
OK, I can hate it now.
Based on the 1992 novel of the same title by Steven Gould, the movie focuses on David Rice(Christensen), a young man who as a boy, accidentally discovers he has the ability to create personalized wormholes which allow him to "jump" to anywhere in the world he wants to go. Running away from a broken home(his mother left when he was just five years old) and an alcoholic, abusive father(is there any other kind in movies these days?), David takes what little money he has and jumps to another city entirely to live his life the way he wants. Realizing he'll need more than the little bit of dough he has on him--and being a self-centered, thought-less teen--David scopes out a local bank and jumps into the vault after hours to make an untraceable withdrawal.
Self-centered teen David grows into self-centered adult David, who years later continues to empty vaults from not just New York where he now lives, but from other banks around the planet, just in case he decides to take trips to England, the pyramids in Cairo(one of his favorite "jump sites") or any-where else his narcissistic little heart decides to go. David is such a self-centered jackass that in his opening narration, he reveals that until he realized he could jump, he was a "chump" just like us and early on while deciding where to go next, he sits on his couch watching a flood hit a distant town, complete with footage of people trapped on the roofs of drift-ing houses. The reporter mentions that only a "miracle" can save these people...so does David use his powers to rescue the victims? Of course not! He's no chump--he snatches up his umbrella and jumps to the clockface of Big Ben in London to look out over the city in self-satisfied pleasure while a gentle rain spatters the umbrella keeping him nice and dry.
Ladies and gentlemen, introducing the new hero for a new era--The Dick!
This is the hero of the piece that we're supposed to look up to, invest our interest in and root for--? Even the Termina-tor had more heart than this guy!
David's little jaunts around the planet don't go unnoticed, however; he's being tailed surreptitiously by Griffin(Jamie Bell), another "Jumper" who's curious as to how obvious David will be before he's discovered by the Paladins, a group that has hunted Jumpers for centuries. The Paladins, led by Roland(Samuel L. Jackson), are a quasi-religious group that believes "only God should have the power to be in all places at all times", and see it as their mission to rid the world of Jumpers. When Roland breaks into David's apartment and uses unique technology to render him virtually helpless, he barely manages to jump out of harm's way and back to his old home town, where he believes he'll be safe.
David manages to track down Millie(Rachel Bilson), a girl whom he had always been in love with, up until the time he realized his powers and fled his home. Millie once had dreams of traveling around the world and seeing all it had to offer. When David comes to visit her at the bar she works, Millie tells her boss she's taking a break to catch up with him. Lying to Millie by telling her he's "in banking", David persuad-es her to take a trip with him to Rome. She agrees, and since we're never shown her telling her boss she's leaving for the day or taking some time off, or quitting outright, we'll just have to assume that Millie works for the most lenient, gracious bar owners on the face of the planet! That is some break time she's allotted! What are the benefits like at a job like that?
As our travelogue continues, David and Millie eventually wind up at the Coliseum in Rome, where they sneak in(court-esy of David's powers, of which Millie is unaware) and have the place to themselves. While temporarily separated, David runs into Griffin, who reveals his powers to him and quickly tells the story behind the Paladins, which comes just in time, as two of Roland's men have found them. But when confront-ed by the Paladins, Griffin springs into action, killing both operatives! Self-centered as always, David leaves Griffin to fight the good fight while he tries to flee with Millie. Both are stopped by the local police, and David is taken into custody. While in the station house, David's long-lost mother Mary enters, leaving him the key to escape his cuffs, while warning him that he only has seconds to escape. Mary is played by Diane Lane, who lends the film some mild urgency, while also putting in the most useless cameo so far this year. Like the recent flop Untraceable, Jumper completely wastes the con-siderable talents of Ms. Lane, who must have more expensive bills to pay than I previously theorized.
Jumper, while a vapid film devoid of any true personality, does have some things going for it. It's a visual catalogue of places to visit for those of us contemplating trips overseas. It has a cutsie reference to the now-defunct Marvel comic series Marvel Team-Up, which only die-hard comic book fans will smile at. It has Sam Jackson in the funkiest white hair you'll probably ever see in a movie. However, when the story finally kicks into high gear, the action comes fast and furious, which is a good thing. It also luckily has Jamie Bell in it, because his appearances are the high point of the film, and his character of Griffin is the only thing that makes the movie truly come alive at any time. It's a shame he isn't the main protagonist, because Christensen's David is a loser at best, a complete jackass at worst. His self-centeredness even finally gets around to affecting Millie, who initially admonishes him for keeping his ability a secret from her, and seems to dislike the way he gets his money. Oh well, Millie obviously loves The Dick...!
Tragically, it seems the ending of Jumper implies that there might be a sequel in the works...and as Gould did write a continuation to his original novel, the possibility does exist that if the movie Jumper is successful enough, a year or so down the road, someone at New Regency Productions might slip a mental disc and decide to write Hayden Christensen a check to reprise his role. Don't be a chump...avoid this movie, so that we don't have to worry about a followup.
Keep the world safe from The Dick.
Official Archives of LanceReviews...
Clunker
Teleportation flick goes nowhere fast...
Watching this flick, you'll wish you had the ability to teleport... right back to your own home!
Hayden Christensen stars as a jackass with super-powers... now, there's a hero we can all aspire to be like, right?
"Sam, what's wrong with you? Why do you keep calling me 'Anakin' and yelling 'payback's a bitch'--?!"
"I'm sorry...but you've already agreed to replace Teresa Palmer in this part. It's too late to back out of your contract now."
"Fee-fi-fo-fum...! I smell the most out-of-perspective shot ever!"
Jamie Bell tries(too late) to burn the Jumper script.
