Motherf***in' Snakes!
(The best dumb fun you'll have all summer!)
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I cannot believe I liked Snakes on a Plane.
Liked it…a LOT.
The movie has clichés in abundance, dating all the way back to the Airport movies of the 70’s. It has thinly sketched out characters, implausible action sequences, types of snakes which don’t behave like any I’ve ever heard of on this planet(and I actually had to fight off a two-foot garden snake on my backyard steps last summer, so I would know), and a screenplay which defies the laws of physics on several occasions.
There are only three things going in the movie’s favor, which save it from being straight-to-DVD dreck. The first is that it doesn’t take it-self seriously for an instant. It’s a comedy dressed up in action movie fatigues, and it knows it. Picture Bruce Wayne walking into a corpor-ate board meeting for his company, wearing his Batman cowl and insignia on his chest, while holding a dry martini in hand. He’d look at the astonished board members and shrug, “Yeah, well, I’m Batman. What about it?” That’s the basic mindset of Snakes. The other two things it has going for it are Samuel L. Jackson and Julianna Margul-ies. This trinity combo saves the day.
First of all, you can’t fault Snakes on a Plane for its title. It lets you know what you’re going to get flat-out front, no two ways about it. You can’t come out going, “I thought there was supposed to be a heart-warming love story in there somewhere.” No, screw you O Pretentious One, it’s Snakes on a Motherfu**in’ Plane, to paraphrase Samuel L.’s now-famous line. You’d find more ambiguity trying to order take-out from the McDonald’s breakfast menu.
This film is only the third directed by David R. Ellis(Final Destina-tion 2, Cellular), formerly a stunt coordinator for a number of Holly-wood movies, including Sliver, Warlock: The Armageddon and Harriet the Spy. Bad movies du jour? Ellis is seemingly right in his element, but through either divine providence, previously unrealized talent, sheer dumb luck or the will of The Force, he has made a finely paced, never-dull-for-a-second movie which nudge-nudge/wink-wink spoofs every airline disaster movie ever made, while climbing to the top of the heap to proclaim itself king of that selfsame mountain.
The movie opens with traditional drama/action film trappings. Sean Jones(Nathan Phillips), a hapless dude minding his own business, stumbles across a brutal murder by notorious gang lord Eddie Kim(Byron Lawson). Rather than use the common sense God gave the cockroach, and lie low until the bad guys are gone—and Sean is well out of their purview—he roars off on his loud motocross bike, totally revealing to Kim that his latest ill deed has been scoped. Kim’s boys soon track Sean down, but lucky for him, he’s in a Sam Jackson movie. Sam shows up to save Sean’s life and races him off to seques-tered safety. It’s never revealed how Kim’s men or federal agent Samuel L. know Sean’s home address(maybe he’s listed alphabetic-ally in the phone book under Crime Witnesses), but then again, who cares--? We the audience just want to get to the Snakes on a Plane.
Under the mildest interrogation you’re ever likely to see in a movie(hey, c’mon, man—be a witness, ‘kay?) Sean folds faster than Super-man on laundry day and decides to do the right thing and testify. Unfortunately for Sean, Eddie Kim has contacts everywhere—corrupt cops, politicians and yes…airline flight mechanics and loaders. Eddie, you the man. And of course, being Asian, we are shown Eddie practic-ing martial arts at home even as he plots Sean’s murder, because of course all Asians know martial arts. Even the out of shape delivery driver for your favorite Chinese restaurant probably could do a Bruce Lee on a mugger if pressed for it.
While Sammy L. prepares to transport Sean from Honolulu to L.A., we are introduced to hot airline stewardess Claire Miller(Julianna Margulies). Claire and all her stewardess friends—except for the one aged veteran—are all hot. Because of course, all stewardesses are hot, except for any airline I fly on. As for other stereotypical charac-ters, there is of course the Sexist Co-Pilot, who makes racy comments to Claire at any opportunity. The Possibly Gay Airline Steward, the Black Guy Who Is A Musical Artist(we don’t know whether he does soul or rap, but we must assume it’s rap, because that’s all black musicians do these days, right?), the Newlywed Couple, the Ditzy Blonde We Hope Dies and of course the Asshole Foreigner.
If the above descriptions make it sound like I didn’t like “SoaP”(as it’s come to be called on fan sites), don’t get me wrong: I did like it quite a bit, and may actually have to see it again. It’s just that as the resident Movie Conscience, I must point out the obvious stereotypes and clichés which pop up consistently like worms after a heavy rain. But all this is inconsequential, because for God’s sake, we the audi-ence just want to see the Motherf**kin’ Snakes on that Motherf**in’ Plane!
As the plane takes off, it’s revealed that Eddie had some men place several boxes of flowers aboard, each one loaded up with several varieties of poisonous snakes. The flowers are sprayed with a special pheromone which will drive the snakes into an attack frenzy. Is this actually possible? I have no idea—I just want to see these marginally sketched out characters get bit. And boy, do they.
And boy, do they.
The first rule of any horror film is that a hot young couple having sex is a definite No-No. Sex is a vice which must be severely punish-ed. Who did Michael Myers go after first in the Halloween films? Young hot couples having sex. Jason Voorhees? Young campgoers having sex. Of course, being as hideous as they were, one could argue they were just jealous their fugly butts couldn’t get any. In Snakes, as in any other film of its genre, sex must be punished, and so of course after the snakes are released(finally! It’s been a whole twenty minutes!) the first folks they go after are a hot young couple choosing to join the Mile-High Club in the plane’s bathroom. It’s an awesome scene, wherein the young lady is bitten right on the breast, to the absolutely howling delight of the audience I was with.
And the (intentional) laughs don’t stop there. The snakes attack everyone in every part of the plane, and they will bite anyone any-where you can imagine. Guys? Think twice before going to the john on a plane. If you can hold your tinkle until you reach your destina-tion, do so. Ladies? That might not actually be a sexual dream you’re having as you sleep(seriously, folks! I’m not kidding here!). Even kids are not safe on this plane, which I—and it seems, the audience I was with—also had a slight problem with. In most disaster movies—indeed, in almost any action film—it seems to be the unspoken rule that you do not directly harm, maim or kill kids. There are two young brothers and a baby at risk on this flight, and when one of the boys is bitten, it is one of the few times the audience doesn’t guffaw outright.
Samuel L. Jackson, of course, shifts right into action hero mode as soon as it’s discovered what’s going on. He assesses the situation and takes charge of the surviving passengers(most are wiped out right away when the snakes are let loose), barking orders on what to do and how to do it, as only Samuel L. can. He and Claire form a quick alliance/attraction and they manage to contact one of Samuel’s agent friends on the ground, played with an astonishing lack of talent and believability—even for a film such as this—by Bobby Cannavale. Cannavale is the anti-Samuel L. Jackson; when he gives orders to his staff, they actually stand there staring blankly at him a moment, the looks on their faces saying “No, I’m not listening to you. What are you, joking?” Cannavale manages to cripple every scene he’s in like a mugger swiping a blackjack to the back of an unsuspecting victim’s head. The low-rent CGI for the titular airplane is more believable than him, and thank God in heaven he wasn’t given more to do.
There are actually a couple of taut, tense scenes where we’re not sure if Samuel L. will actually be able to fend off the snakes, but hey—he’s Samuel L. Jackson! And once he gets fed up and yells his signa-ture line, the audience I was in cheered heartily, knowing it was all good. The usually forgettable Kenan Thompson from Saturday Night Live manages to finally make an impression in a movie, as after the pilots are killed, he’s the one who has to land the plane! It’s a fun sequence, although a bit overdrawn at its conclusion. And once the plane does land and we’re assured Claire is finally gonna give some lovin’ to Samuel L.(it is his movie, after all), "SoaP" ends with a music video! Yes—a music video! Cobra Starship performs “Snakes on a Plane(Come Get Some)”. Try and remember their name, because even though the song is decent and the video somewhat fun, the group will more than likely be forgotten by the end of the week.
But not Snakes on a Plane. This is truly one dumb, fun movie. The kind you usually come across flipping the channels on a Saturday, and even though you have somewhere else to be, you plop down on the couch and watch a good hour or so of it. This is worth the money you’ll spend, because it’ll give you the best laughs you’ve had in a while. Don’t look for rich characters or an intriguing story, ‘cause they don’t exist in this universe. But if you have the right audience and you go at the right time, I promise you’ll have the time of your life.
Don't look at this title and expect Shakespeare. You're getting exactly what you pay for...and believe it or not, it's worth every penny.
Samuel L. Jackson proves once again why he's The Man.
Juliana Margulies effectively plays an ally-in-crisis/ potential love interest for Samuel L.
Director Ellis was certain to obey the 1st Film Commandment: "Thou canst place a baby in jeopardy, but thou shalt not have him/her harmed."
Surprisingly, even Kenan Thompson manages to do a good job!
Unlike most movies, it takes the real stars of the film a whole 20 minutes to show up! But once they do, it's totally worth it.
"I said, 'buckle your motherfu**in' seat belts until the action comes to a complete stop', bi***!"
