I remember the very first time I saw Batman Begins. Driv-ing home, wishing I owned the Tumbler, visualizing smashing through barricades and rolling over police cars. It definitely awakened the inner child within me.
Climbing into my car after viewing Speed Racer, I could only sit silently and weep for the future of cinema.
Andy and Larry Wachowski, the visionaries behind The Matrix trilogy and the underappreciated V for Vendetta, obvi-ously love seeing "From the creators of The Matrix trilogy" flash across the screen whenever a trailer for one of their new films is released. What they don't seem to remember however, is that the only good film in that trilogy was the first Matrix, and only because at the time it was new, dazzling and highly original in many ways. If they don't get their game face back on, they'd better get used to seeing just that flash line on movie screens, because The Matrix is what they're going to be coasting on for the rest of their lives if their latest film, Speed Racer, is any indication.
While quite faithful to the roots and storyline of the origin-al Japanese anime series from which this adaptation springs, as collaborated on visually with George Lucas' Industrial Light & Magic--the company which virtually invented CGI--the new Speed Racer is a Caligula-like orgy of Computer Gener-ated Imagery. Brought to you in brand new, ultra sleek and flashy, Wachowski-patented VomitVision, Speed Racer represents the ultimate cinematic 69 position for the Wach-owskis and Lucas' company, which go to extreme lengths to ensure your eyeballs will bleed multi-hued tears every step of the way.
Taking place approximately in the year 2041(as evidenc-ed by the fact the 91st Grand Prix is taking place...although which Grand Prix is up for debate, as the film never gives a location or a specific time frame), this is the story of a young boy named Speed(at this point played by Nicholas Elia) who dreams of nothing but racing cars. His older brother Rex(Scott Porter) is a driver for the family's indie company, and Speed idolizes him, begging Rex to let him come along to the track and sit with him as he takes the family's pride and joy achievement, the Mach 5, for a spin. Following an argument with the family patriarch Pops Racer(John Goodman, slumm-ing in the role) and controversy surrounding rumors of Rex being a dirty driver racing for the syndicate, Speed's older brother has a seemingly fatal crash which devastates the family.
It is this scene upon which the opening hinges, as a now-adult Speed(Emile Hirsch, wasting every last bit of good grace and credibility afforded him by his star turn in Into the Wild) runs a race of his own, and seems a heartbeat away from besting Rex's historic speed record. Unfortunately, we are shown flashbacks to Rex's camaraderie with his younger brother, the argument with Pops and the crash from the point-of-view of every single member of Speed's family, including his younger brother Spritle(Paulie Litt, trying to wrest The Phantom Menace's Jake Lloyd's "Worst Child Actor EVER" Award from him!) and Speed's pseudo-girlfriend Trixie(played by Christina Ricci. Oh, Christina...! What happened to your career, baby?)! Combined with the cut/slash/chop/ cut/cut/cut editing of Roger Barton(Ghost Ship, Pearl Harbor) and Zach Staenberg(Lord of War, Bound...and did you really win an Oscar for the first Matrix? Wow.), along with the diabolically hideous and virtually incomprehensible cinemato-graphy of David Tattersall(The Matador, Next) and you have a Crap du jour set before you which at its PG rating is meant to entice parents into bringing the kiddies...but which bears more resemblance to rancid multicolored jell-o shots being thrown up at a wedding afterparty than an actual film.
Speed Racer is not just nasty to look at, with so many effects thrown in that your brain can't tell where to look first... it's also just flat-out embarrassing to watch some of the more seasoned screen veterans such as Susan Sarandon(Mr. Woodcock, Enchanted) and John Goodman(Cars, Death Sentence) align themselves with such a self-indulgent pro-ject. As amazingly talented as Natalie Portman is, it's widely acknowledged that the worst performance of her career was in Lucas' new Star Wars trilogy, partly because of his inept direction but also because of her unfamiliarity and discomfort with performing on green screen soundstages. Since there are barely any true sets to speak of in Speed Racer, and CGI factors so heavily into the mix, it's mind boggling just how bad almost every actor's performance is here. Almost no one is immune from the CGI-riffic touch: Sarandon, Goodman, Ricci(Black Snake Moan, Penelope), even Roger Allam(Spooks, V for Vendetta) as Mr. Royalton, owner of a racing mega-corporation looking to sink his hooks into Speed, all deliver performances that would get them laughed out of an acting class for first-timers. It seems the only actor immune to the Bad Performance Flu is Richard Roundtree(Heroes, the original Shaft) as one of Speed's racing idols, but that's more than likely because Roundtree is used to being in B-movies!
And don't get me started on the damn monkey.
A famous actor once said that you should never work with children or animals. Apparently, the Wachowskis either never heard this or chose to ignore it completely. While I do like children and their precocious pets, I found a darker part of myself continually wishing that a tragic on-set accident might have eliminated both from this movie. If you can find a worse film this year that involves a scene where a monkey throws its own feces at a bad guy to stop him from shooting the hero of the film, I'll just say you're lying.
Speed Racer is an odd mish-mash for a film geared toward kids. On the one hand it's a visual eyesore of manga-charged speed lines racing by in badly choreographed fight scenes to deliver a desperatly needed, yet unfulfilled extra charge. On the other, there's dropped-in nonsense about corporate espionage, race fixing and Christina Ricci jumping up and down in a skimpy one-piece dress meant to keep the older audience members' attention riveted to the lameness that's supposed to pass for a story(written by the Wachow-skis, who also directed). Then there's the racing scenes, which are filmed at such hyper speed, the feature tends to detract from the "excitement" rather than add to it. There's no possibility of being thrilled at what's going on, if everything is filmed in such blurry motion and excessive cuts that you can't even really tell what's supposed to be happening! Hence the need for ongoing and almost neverending dialogue from race commentators and numerous not-quite up-short shots of Ricci's legs as she flies overhead in a helicopter acting as a spotter for Speed so he can look out for whatever diabolical devices his opponents' cars have installed to try and take him out of the race.
As horrible a movie as Tom Cruise's Days of Thunder was, at least in that film you had a sense of urgency to some degree, primarily because you could see what was going on, and it all felt real. But of course, that was way back in 1990, years before the advent of CGI. Since audiences are so used to it now, films like Speed Racer not only seem to push the boundaries of good taste and overload...they are pushing past the limit of necessity as well. Perhaps the Wachowskis should back away from their love affair with CGI for a little while, go out and see other ideas such as solid storytelling, and leave bad memories like Speed Racer choking in the dust.
Official Archives of LanceReviews...
Go Away Speed Racer, Go!
New Wachowski nightmare atomizes brain cells in a CGI onslaught!
So dizzying: "Look out, viewers--I'm gonna hurl! Bllurrrghhhh!!"
Dumb and dumber: The kid and the monkey should have been the FIRST THINGS to be dumped from this adaptation.
The Mach 5: If you can stand the CGI overload, you might appreciate its beauty in the 10 seconds you get to see it clearly.
"Yes, I'm here to present Ms. Sarandon with an award from the producers for the very best special effect in this film--at the age of 61, your impossibly "naturally" buoyant bosom!"
"You can't keep me here, Wachowskis! I'll fight my way out of this film however I can!"
Family affair: The cast of Speed Racer proves there are worse things than being in this film...like having people know you were in this film!
"So much CGI...so dizzying...so nauseating...oh, no--! Here it comes again...bllllaaaarrghhhhh--!!!!"
