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     “They did it! They did it! Damn them, damn them! Maniacs! Maniacs! Damn them to hell!”
                                              --Charlton Heston,
                                              Planet of the Apes(1967)

     The above quotation from this classic movie(brutally bastard-ized in a hideous remake by Tim Burton back in 2001) unequivoc-ally and completely summarizes my feelings on the Star Trek: Enhanced coming our way this Sept. 16th, to “celebrate” the 40th anniversary of Gene Roddenberry’s venerable creation. For those few of you still marooned on Ceti Alpha V, this is the pet project of Michael Okuda, the former scenic art supervisor on all post-original Trek series as well as most of the films. Mister Okuda and others have reedited footage and added digital effects to all 79 episodes of the original Star Trek series—you know, the one with Kirk, McCoy and a certain pointy-eared Vulcan—in order to show what Roddenberry might have done, had he access to such effects in the 60’s. The episodes will air out of order, one each week, pretty much reinventing how fans—especially the newest generation, which they’re actually after, make no mistake—view this series.

     The one thing Okuda and his accomplices have forgotten, the most important thing they’ve forgotten, is that the original Star Trek was never about effects: it was about solid storytelling. The effects were always there to service the story, not the other way around. No matter how much former post-O.S. producer Rick Berman and others have tried to murder Roddenberry’s vision(Star Trek: Voyager) or apologize for said act(Star Trek: First Contact), Berman’s accomplices Michael & Denise Okuda and Daren Doch-terman may finally have found a way to do it. This new “refurbish-ing” of the original Star Trek series, with new digital effects and a CGI starship Enterprise, might well be the final nail in the coffin for all eternity(not counting Star Trek 11 which hits theaters next year).

     Now, do I really think this updating of the series will actually kill Paramount’s franchise? No…not for the newer, younger genera-tion that might not have had the chance to catch the original series in syndication. But it will do it in for diehard original fans like myself, who have helped sustain Paramount’s cash cow for the past 40 years. You see, the original Trek series, more than anything else in my entire life, not only introduced me to science fiction. It began a love affair with the genre which has lasted to this day. It is part of the reason I love TV and film so much, it is part of the reason I chose to write. The original Star Trek series—cardboard rocks, Shatner’s overacting et al—fired up my imagination, and the igni-tion switch has remained on ever since. Heck, I even passed my film & video course in college because of my Star Trek featurette. For a long time, I could proudly be classified as an STN(“Star Trek Nerd”). I knew how many times Kirk and company went back in time and for what, what episode was about to air just by hearing the stardate, and even how to recrystallize dilithium. But then, I finally took Shatner’s advice during his classic appearance on Saturday Night Live and got a life. I moved on a bit, discovering other things like women, Batman and Babylon 5(okay, so maybe I didn’t grow up that much).

     Yet the part of me that still loves Star Trek never did grow up all the way. Watching certain episodes makes me feel like an 8 year-old again, discovering Kirk, Spock, McCoy—and that beautiful, beautiful ship—all over again.

     And now, they’ve killed it. They’ve taken my pleasant childhood memories, sexually molested them, strangled them and left them for dead. They’ve blown it all up. Thank you, Michael & Denise, and Daren.

     I’m sorry…I meant: Please rot in hell for all eternity, Michael & Denise, and Daren. 

     40th anniversary or not, there is NO reason—outside of market-ing profits, percentage points off of new syndication rights, and just plain old fashioned greed—to redo Roddenberry’s vision. Classics are classics for a reason: they stand the test of time, when all other things fail. Classic TV series—the Twilight Zone, I Love Lucy, Star Trek and hell, even the Brady Bunch—mesmerize and capture the imaginations of viewers generation after generation without missing a beat. They’re lightning in a bottle, smashing against the glass in an effort to unleash their awesomeness unto the world time after time. 
 
     Is Friends a classic? No. Is Seinfeld a classic? No. A good show, yes—but few are the people who can recall entire episodes line for line. When’s the last time your local news reported on the goings-on at the latest Dharma and Greg convention? Star Trek conventions happen darn near every month out of the year. Go to any one and pick out any fan at random—they’ll be able to tell you the difference between the planets Triacus and Janus VI, or why you should stay away from Talos IV. They can tell you Kirk’s service number, or why you don’t want to be planetside when Starfleet General Order 24 is given. They can tell you exactly how many times Spock has fallen in love and why. 
 
     Call them nerds, call them geeks, call them whatever the hell you want, but don’t forget to throw in one word in particular: FAITHFUL. These people are the ones who have supported Paramount’s “franchise” for the 40 years it’s been in existence. These are the people who wrote letters of support for the original series when it was in danger of being cancelled in only its second year—and they won. These are the people who convinced the United States government to name the first space shuttle Enterprise(rolled out of its hangar to the Star Trek theme being played, for those who may not remember—I do). These are the people who have the power to make or break a series and the careers of those behind it. And for the first time in my life, I am saying something which I never thought I’d say, even in an evil parallel universe(yes, I know the true fans got it):
 
     Star Trek should be cancelled.
 
     This new, refurbished series—you can catch the clips of Daren Dochterman’s(an apropos name if ever there was one) work on Youtube.com—gives us a digitized Enterprise which LOOKS exact-ly like that, new opening credits which don’t hold a candle to the original, a new transporter effect(truth revealed: That, I actually do sort of like) and in the clip from the “refurbished” “The Doomsday Machine” airing on Youtube, a new tractor beam(sucks!) and of course, a new titular engine of destruction. 

     Lest any of you think I’ve just gone off the deep end, here is why I feel the way I do—aside from the earlier reasons given. First off, why doesn’t anyone in Hollywood—George Lucas, Tim Burton, Warner Bros. or anyone—remember the classic line, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”? The classic series is beloved, warts and all, by true fans. Yes, it’s hysterical to see McCoy’s arm bend the rock he’s leaning against in “The Galileo Seven”. Yes, every time Kirk is in a fight, you can clearly tell it’s a stunt man. Personally, I love the fact that the black security officer is smiling when the bridge is shaking during an attack by the planet killer in “Doomsday Machine”. To me, it looks like he’s just having fun play acting, and I see nothing wrong with these little moments and mild gaffs being caught on camera. It was the 60’s, for Christ’s sake—mistakes were more forgivable back then, because most TV series were done on shoestring budgets and crews sometimes shot seven days out of a week in order to make sure episodes were ready on time. You try shooting on a schedule like that, and not let any mistakes be committed to film. Even to this day, there is a Babylon 5 episode where the boom mike clearly makes it into frame.

     Another reason I’m upset about this whole mess—no dissemb-ling here—is because “The Doomsday Machine” is my all-time, no holds barred, accept no substitutes, favorite episode. Aside from “Balance of Terror”, it is the most militaristic of Trek’s episodes, and Shatner’s performance is actually spot-on. The episode is tension-filled, every single actor in the piece has a moment to shine, and for once no red-shirts die. Yes, one gets beaten up, but he was prob-ably happy as hell to wake up in sickbay and realize his family on Earth didn’t have to make funeral arrangements. We all know what happens if you wear a red shirt in Trek. And to see new opening credits, which do not convey in the slightest the sense of wonder or abilities of the Enterprise is both shameful and pathetic. In the new opening credits, the Enterprise moves lazily across the screen, barely –whooshing- from one end of the screen to the next. In the original credits, the Enterprise was a barely seen blur, the effect conveying the power and speed at which a great ship like that can move. The new credits, with the impossibly fake ship—audiences’ eyes have been trained after all these years, unfortunately, to recognize CGI when they see it—are stale, static and bland. 
 
     It physically made me nauseous—and I’m not kidding in the slightest—to hear of this project, which was obviously carried out in SECRET these past three years, so that fans like myself wouldn’t be able to make our voices known in time. After all, the powers-that-be obviously know what we want and like more than we do, don’t they? It’s the reason New Coke did so well. 

     It truly almost brought tears to my eyes to see the redone clip from “Doomsday”. I LOVE that episode like no other. If I have to meet friends and that episode comes on before I leave the house, unfortunately, I’m going to have to call my pals and let them know I’ll be late. From the first shots of the CGInterprise—that’s what I intend to call it from now on—to shots of the remodeled Constella-tion(energy sparks coming out its nacelles? The ship had LOST POWER!! Scotty had to fight to get the engines started, you idiots!) to the abominably rendered planet killer and tractor beam, I almost lost hope that I could ever enjoy Star Trek again. The only hope is to hold on to the original DVDs, which I’m certain Paramount will soon recall so that only the refurbished ones will be available,  
whenever they’re released. 

     Unfortunately, as in the 70’s when Paramount rushed to get Star Trek: The Motion Picture released on the heels of Star Wars’ success, they are once again following Lucas’ lead into revisionist history. And much like the now-reviled Lucas, who has almost irreparably damaged his reputation by continually futzing with his original Star Wars trilogy, Okuda has pretty much made the origi-nal Star Trek into a digital test-reel(“Look what we can do, kids! Golly-gee-whiz!”) What could be next? The red shirts are made turquoise? An actress is hired to voiceover a transgendered Harry Mudd? In a stunning move of political correctness, could McCoy be made black or Afghani? Laugh if you want—with CGI, all things bold and terrible are possible. The proof has already been made evident before your eyes. Sadly, for fans of the original Trek, there is no slingshot option to travel back in time and stop the Okudas and DochterDoom from changing what has come before. But there is another option: yes, millions will tune in for the premiere of this “event”, and of course the first few episodes. However, those same millions can just as swiftly tune out, if they are so disposed—cancel-ing this bastardization of their childhood dreams with lightning swift-ness. They can be the opposing force which wipes out this misbe-gotten idea, and this time, in canceling Trek, the cause will be just.
 
     I will watch the “new” pilot episode, “Balance of Terror”, out of curiosity. And unless I am convinced 110% beyond the shadow of a doubt that this idea is good—and “Doomsday Machine” has pretty much disintegrated that possibility—I will quickly turn to whatever else is on the air that night…even if it’s Jessica Simpson reading the phone book. 
 
     She’d actually deserve the ratings more.
 
 
 
Star Trek : Enhanced
      (Everything Old is NOT New Again...!)
No matter what, a CGI rendered Enterprise looks like a CGI model...it's too clean, too crisp; it doesn't feel real.
Concerned that Paramount might do something drastic, Spock orders Scotty to beam up all 79 of the original, untouched episodes!
Yes, Shatner's holding a model...but when filmed using ingenuity and hard work, we believed a miles-long starship soared through space.
This newer, spiffier model doesn't hold a candle to the original.
Spock's about to break the bad news about the refurbish-ed Trek to T'pring.
"CGI? Damn it Jim...I'm a doctor, not a cartoon character!"
Personally, I don't see anything wrong with using smoke for a shot like this. Why do we need new effects?
For once, Spock and McCoy can agree: this new  refurbishment idea sucks the Big Hairy Tribble.
Sulu and Chekov prepare to lock phasers onto the offices of Michael and Denise Okuda.